My Dearest Little Girl
by lamas92112
Summary: Snow's thoughts as she watched Charming take newborn Emma to the wardrobe. What if she had been able to put her feelings and what she wanted to tell her daughter on paper? Later on, it will also feature Little Emma's POV while growing up in the foster system.
1. Chapter 1

**This is initially a one-shot, but depending on the response I get from you guys I might write new chapters with Snow's thoughts and feelings at different times and what she wishes she could say to her daughter.**

**I hope you enjoy it! Please leave reviews, getting feedback from you guys is so helpful and it inspires and motivates me to write!**

**I do not own Once Upon a Time or any of the show's characters.**

_My dearest little girl,_

_As I hand you over to your father, I can feel my heart being shattered to pieces. I look at your small face and all I can think of is how I wish I had one more moment with you… one more minute to look at your perfect little face and to feel your little hands as they reach for me… to look just once more into your beautiful eyes which I can tell are going to be blue like your father's. Oh, Emma, how I wish I could hold you in my arms and never let you go… I wish I could see you grow up, become the most perfect girl in the kingdom._

_I have been seeing your face in my dreams ever since I found out you were coming into this world. Your father has sung to you and talked to you every night. He tells you that you are his beautiful princess, that he will teach you how to ride a horse and how to sword fight. He tells you he knows you will be just as beautiful and just as kind as your mama. Your daddy is the kindest, bravest man in our realm, and he loves you so very much, my little angel. He has loved you from the moment he knew you were coming to us. We never thought we would have to say goodbye to you before we got a chance to get to know you, baby girl. We never thought you would be ripped from our arms before you got a chance to know me and your daddy, to know just how much we love you._

_Every night in my dreams, I see you, but lately these dreams have been terrible nightmares in which you are taken from me. Sometimes, when your daddy thinks I am sleeping, I hear him cry and I know it is because he is scared. He tries to be strong for me, but I know that he is just as scared as I am. We cannot imagine a world where you are not here right next to us, my little princess._

_The nine months I carried you for were the happiest months of my life, and it pains me to know that our time together has been cut short so soon. I have never felt a sharper pain deep in my chest than the one I feel right now as I let you go. In the past, I have been poisoned, I have buried my mother and father. Still, nothing compares to the pain of saying goodbye to you, my precious girl. I know I must protect you, send you away to a safer place, but I cannot convince myself that you belong anywhere but in my arms._

_As your father adjusts you in his arms, I see you stretch your little hands trying to reach for me. I want to hold you again, and this time I will not let you go, no matter what curse is cast upon us. Your little lips let out a tiny cry and I know it is because you don't want to leave us, you don't want to grow up without us. I know you want to be back in the warmth of your mama's arms, and I want you right here with me too. I know I have to be strong, but I feel my heart break into tiny pieces as I watch your father carry you out of the room. I am now left by myself, with nothing but the memory of your precious little face. I can still see it if I close my eyes, and I hope I can hold on to this memory until I can finally see you again._

_Your grandmother once told me that parents must always put their children first. I know she is watching over us at this very moment, and I hope I am making her proud. I now understand what she meant. I must put you first even if it kills me inside. She would have loved you, baby girl, and she would have spoiled you and given you all of her love. She is the reason you are here… she gave her life so you could have yours. I will eternally be thankful, for she gave me the most precious of all treasures._

_I am so sorry, my angel, that I won't be there with you to hold you in my arms when you are scared at night. I am sorry I won't be the one teaching you how to walk or how to talk. I am sorry I won't be there to soothe your fevers or to comfort you when you have your first heartbreak. I am sorry I won't be there to tell you how beautiful and how loved you are. If I could be with you, I would tell you that every day. I hope there are people in this new world that will take care of you and protect you just like I wish I could. I would give my life to keep you safe, my sweet angel. I hope you are happy wherever you are, and that they treat you like the princess you were born to be. Oh, what I'd give to have the chance to raise you and take care of you, and to see your father spoil you like I know he would._

_I want you to know that even if we are in different worlds, my heart will always be right next to yours. Every time you look at the sky, I hope you can feel me right next to you, holding you tight in my arms and telling you that you are my treasure. And when I feel the sun or a soft breeze on my face, I will believe that is you sending me a sign, and I know I'll feel you close to me._

_I hope that one day you can forgive me, my Emma. I know I will never forgive myself for not being with you, even it I have no choice. I know you will grow into a beautiful, kind, brave princess and I can only dream that when you save me, when you save our whole kingdom, you will find it in your heart to forgive your heartbroken mother, who loves you more than she ever thought she could love anyone and who would give all she has to be able to come through with you._

_I pray that you are cherished and loved wherever you are. I will always love you with all my heart, my girl, and I will think of you every day and every night. When you come back to me, I promise I will hold you so close to me and never let you go._

_I love you... I love you._


	2. Chapter 2

**So I decided to take this story a slightly different direction than the one I had originally planned to take it. I'm not completely sure it is a good idea but let me know what you guys think!**

**Instead of writing it just from Snow's POV, I'll also write it from Little Emma's POV as she grew up in the foster system. In Emma's case, though, it will be her inner thoughts rather than in letter format.**

**I hope you guys like it! If not, let me know and I might change the direction of this fic again.**

**Warning: mentions of sexual abuse towards the end, but nothing graphic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time or the characters from the show.**

_Emma - 4 years old_

I'm really scared tonight. Sammie told me that Mr. and Mrs. Martin are gonna send me back to the orphanage. I don't know what I did, I'm trying to be good I promise! I didn't even ask them to stay with me last night when there were really loud thunders and lightning. I was really scared but I didn't tell anyone because Mr. Martin said that he hates that I'm a bratty little girl and that I cry at night. He told me that most four year old little girls don't get scared about silly things like thunders and storms. I'm trying to be good and I haven't cried in so long because when my mommy and daddy come back to take me home I want them to want me and be proud of me. Mr. Martin said that no one will ever want me, but when my mommy and daddy come back to get me I'll tell them that I haven't cried when I was scared in so long and I hope they will be really proud of me.

Sometimes Sammie cries at night and she's six, and I get a little jealous because Mrs. Martin always comes to check on her and then she hugs her and sings her songs until she falls asleep. Mr. and Mrs. Martin always tell Sammie stories at night, and sometimes they call her a princess. I don't know why they never hug me or tell me I'm a princess, but Sammie told me it's because she's their real daughter and I'm not. She told me I'm just an orphan and they will send me back as soon as they get their money. I don't really know why I'm an orphan. Sammie told me it means that my real mommy and daddy gave me away because they didn't want me.

I don't believe her, because I always dream of my mommy and daddy and they tell me that I'm the most beautiful little girl they have ever seen and that they miss me so much. They always tell me they wish they could be with me and they say they're sorry they let _her_ take me away from them. I don't know who _she _is but I believe them. In my dreams, my mommy always sings me lullabies and tells me the best stories. She told me that one day she will come back for me, and that she will never let me go ever again. Sometimes, my mommy cries in my dreams and my daddy tells me it's because she misses me. He tells me he misses me too, and that he thinks about me every day and every night.

One time I told Sammie that my mommy and daddy come to see me in my dreams, but she said that I have to stop being a silly liar. I told her that I wasn't lying, and that my mommy and daddy said that I'm a real princess and they love me very much. Sammie said that if I don't stop lying she will tell Mr. Martin and he will spank me real good like the last time I tried to have an extra cookie without asking him first.

I want Sammie to believe me that I'm not a liar and that my mommy and daddy really do come see me every night when I dream, but I won't say anything anymore because I don't want Mr. Martin to spank me again. He always says that if I'm mean to Sammie, I'll get it real good. I think he likes Sammie better than me because she's not an orphan like me. They told me I'm a dumpster baby, I didn't know what that meant but they told me my mommy and daddy left me in a dumpster because I was such a bad baby. It makes me a little sad because I don't want it to be true. In my dreams, my mommy and daddy always tell me I'm the sweetest girl in all of the worlds, and I believe them more than I believe Mr. Martin.

Yesterday, Mrs. Martin told me I'm a whiny little bitch. I don't know what that means, but I know it's not good. She also said that I'm a worthless piece of shit. I don't know what that means either, but Mr. Martin was laughing when she said that so I think it's something funny. It makes me really sad, though, because she was yelling at me when she said it. I'm real scared that they're really gonna send me back like Sammie told me.

The Martins yell at me and spank me sometimes, but I don't wanna go back to the orphanage. I'm scared that Kurt is still gonna be there. Kurt is the big boy that used to hurt me before I came to stay with the Martins. The doctors and the social workers always asked me a hundred questions that I didn't understand, and they always said that Kurt wasn't gonna hurt me again, but he always did it anyway. I heard the social worker telling someone that Kurt had been abusing me for a year, but I don't know what that word means. It used to really hurt when he would do it, so I think it just means that he was hurting me. I don't know why he did it, because he always made funny faces and noises like it hurt him too, but he would do it anyways. He told me I deserved it for being bad and for crying all the time.

I like being with the Martins better than in the orphanage because they spank me sometimes and yell at me but they don't do the other things to me. It used to make me real scared. If they send me back, I hope that Kurt isn't there anymore, because then he won't be able to hurt me. I think Sammie is happy that Mr. and Mrs. Martin wanna send me back, because she said she doesn't like that I'm here and that I'm never gonna be her real sister. If they send me back, I hope that the new family they find for me likes me and doesn't yell at me. I'll try to be really good and not cry even when I'm really scared or mad.

I can't wait until my mommy and daddy come back for me, because I know they won't let anyone yell at me or hurt me again. They told me they will take me back home and they will teach me how to ride a pony and how to sword fight. I think my daddy is a real prince, or maybe he's a real king. He says I'm a real princess so I think he must be a real king. He told me I look like my mommy, but she said I have his blue eyes and blonde hair. I don't know if I really look like them, because they are really really beautiful and Sammie and Mrs. Martin always tell me that I'm not very pretty.

I will do my best not to cry tonight even if I'm really scared. I'll close my eyes real tight and I'll hug my blankie until I'm not scared anymore. I love my blankie so much because it's so warm and it's the only thing I have from my mommy and daddy. It has my name stitched on it in purple and it's the prettiest blankie I've ever seen. I also think I like it so much because it was made especially for me. I've never had anything else made just for me.

I'll wait until tomorrow to see if they'll tell me that they are sending me back. I really really hope they're not. But tonight I won't cry, I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry it took me so long to update! I was trying to enjoy my summer to the fullest and ended up not having much time to write at all.**

**I'm open to suggestions as to where to take this fic. As you guys know, it is a series of one-shots with Snow's and Emma's thoughts during the curse (let's say the Enchanted Forest characters weren't transported to Storybrooke, but instead stayed in the Enchanted Forest). Let me know if you guys have any ideas or requests! Should I add Charming's POV?**

**If you watch the show, you will notice that I used one of the most famous Emma quotes from the first season. I hope it fits well!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time or the characters from the show.**

_Emma - 14 years old_

I'm so sick of everything. Sick of this stupid group home, sick of these kids that won't leave me alone, sick of being bounced back and forth between group homes and foster homes that always see me as their next meal ticket. I'm so damn sick of hating everyone and being so lonely all the time. But most of all, I'm sick of how I'm not worth anyone's time… how everyone that comes into my life makes me believe they will stick around, only to leave me when I've finally started to think everything was about to change. Why am I so stupid? Why would I ever think that they would want to stay? Why do I dwell on the silly hope that one day someone will love me and want me for who I am? Hell, not even my parents wanted me, and they hadn't even gotten a chance to get to know me. Am I really _that _worthless?

I can't wait until I can get out of this place. Leave all the crap behind, make a life for myself. I wonder what it's like to have my own place, my own room… A couple years ago, I'd be wondering what it feels like to have a family of my own, maybe friends. But not anymore. I've seen enough to know that I'm better off on my own. There are no fairy godmothers in this world, and expecting anyone to care leads to nothing but disappointment. It's not a big deal -I'm more than capable of taking care of myself. I've been doing it for longer than I can remember and it wouldn't be news anyway.

I can't even stand this place anymore. Hannah is getting adopted and I'm trying to tell myself I'm happy for her but deep down I keep wondering if it'll ever be my turn. Then I remind myself that I'd be better off getting out of here and taking care of myself instead of letting any more families lie to me. It always ends up with me being sent back for one reason or another. Why go through all that bullshit again? No, thank you very much, I'd rather avoid the disappointment.

I've been suspended from school because some of my teachers wrote me up for being uninterested and disrespectful. I was sent to the principal's office for the thousandth time and they said they needed to meet with my social worker to decide what "the best course of action" would be. At this point, I don't even care if I get kicked out. All I do at school is deal with brats whose biggest worries are where the next party will be, and whether they will or will not be invited. As screwed up as my life is, I wouldn't trade it for theirs. So if I get kicked out, at least I won't have to deal with them… although Mrs. Vaughn will for sure punish me if it happens. I don't really care -I've spent my entire life sweeping floors and cleaning windows, so an extra hour doing dishes is not a big deal.

The little kids here have been driving me crazy lately. For some reason, they seem to cling to me and I can't help but let them. Don't get me wrong, if there's one thing I'm _definitely not_, that is maternal or even sister material. Still, I look at the little ones and they have this longing in their eyes, and I feel like I have to be there for them. They are still so hopeful, believing in the good in people… thinking that someday someone will come back for them. They still dream that their parents are heroes who were forced to leave them for a higher cause, maybe to save the world. It reminds me of myself when I was younger, before I learned that I really am on my own and that no heroes are coming to my rescue. So I need to be there for them, even if that means letting them see me as some sort of mother figure or big sister or whatever it is they see me as. Though I know their hopeful little hearts will soon be forever broken, I can't be the one to break them. I refuse to get too attached, though, because I'm getting my ass out of this place as soon as I have an idea how to survive in the streets.

Which brings me back to how I can't stand my sad excuse for a life anymore. How everything and everyone has disappointed me at one point or another. How I'm so sick of everything. How I never even got a chance at a decent existence. I'm old enough to understand that this world is _not_ a fairy tale. I know things are not perfect and I obviously know that people aren't perfect. But I still can't understand what it is that I did to make my parents want to leave me on the side of a freeway without ever looking back. How could I be that bad before I even had a chance to be their daughter? I hate them, I hate how I wasn't enough. I hate how I still care enough that I think about them everyday, and wonder what they're like. I hate how I always have that tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a real reason they had to abandon me. I hate it, but every day that goes by I succeed a little more in suppressing that childish delusion. One day, I will block it from my thoughts altogether, and on that day I won't cry at night begging them to come back for me.

I remember when I was little, I used to have dreams about them. They would tell me all this nonsense about missing me and being forced to send me away. I remember seeing their faces and thinking they were beautiful and I remember feeling loved in my dreams. Me and my stupid imagination, always going places we know are not real. I'm thankful I don't have those dreams anymore, because all they did was give me false hope that I was loved and wanted. I'd rather know the truth and deal with it, even if it means I'm aware of how I've never meant anything to anyone. Yeah, I'd rather know the truth than to fool myself into believing in something that will never be. And loved, that is something I don't think I've ever been or ever will be.

Some of the kids who live here have met their parents. Some have even lived with them and gotten to know them. I used to be jealous of them, and daydream about meeting my parents… I had this huge list of questions I wanted to ask them, like where I was born, what they did for a living, and the big one, of course… why they had left me. I also had their answer all planned out -they would tell me this great villain had stolen me from their arms and they had fought for me to the very last minute, but ended up defeated by the evil monster. Nonsense, I know, but what do you expect from a seven year old who has never felt loved and dreams every night of having a real family?

But none of that matters anymore… if I had one chance to meet them, I'd tell them how much I hate them. I'd tell them I've done just fine without them and that they can get the hell away from me. I don't even want to meet them. I've grown out of that stupid phase. Hell, I don't even wonder what they look like anymore. I could care less about what they do with their lives, and whether they even remember I was ever born. If they ever came looking for me, I'd tell them I'm glad they're not part of my life because I hate them so much and I'd rather die than be their daughter. I'd tell them I'd rather be this worthless piece of shit they decided I was than have to be theirs. When I was little, one of my foster sisters told me I was a dumpster baby, and I finally understand what she meant. Because that really is who I am… worthless, unloved, thrown away like trash. And that was entirely their decision. They told the world I was a piece of trash when they decided to leave me on the side of a road when I wasn't even a day old.

Who am I kidding, though? In the back of my mind, I still long for their arms to hold me. When everyone else is asleep, I cry into my pillow because I still see their faces in my dreams. And although they left me and never looked back, I keep that little bit of hope that they had a great reason to have to let me go. I hate them, but I love them. I hate how I love them, and most of all I hate them for not loving me. I've never even known them, but I love them like they were never able to love me. I hate how they never even tried. I hate myself for not being good enough for them. I hate how I must have done something to drive them away. And then my heart breaks inside and reminds me that although I hate them, I can't help but love them and crave their love. I try and try to tell myself they're not worth it, but my heart tightens and all I want is for them to wrap me in their arms and hold me and never let me go. I don't care who they are -I don't care if they're rich of poor, young or old. They could be a hundred years old for all I care, or even my own age. I just wish I didn't have to be alone for another fourteen years of my life. It's already been fourteen years too much and all I want is for someone to tell me I'm not on my own.

What am I saying? God, I have to stop being so silly all the time. I keep making myself hope for things that will obviously never be, and that just breaks my heart more than it's already been broken. All I need to do is deal with reality, how hard can that be? If there's something I know, it's that hoping for something doesn't make it true. So I need to stop daydreaming and fooling myself. I _will _stop daydreaming and fooling myself. But tonight, just for one more night, I'll pray to see their faces as I drift off to sleep.


End file.
